~ layout by appleleaf
sorrow drips into your heart
      through a pinhole
   just like a faucet that leaks,
         & there is comfort in the sound.
    but while you debate; half empty or half full?
        it slowly rises,
              your love is going to drown.

I woke up this morning and you were gone
You must have crept out while I slept
I never realized you felt so wrong
That you couldn’t let me know before you left

I could fall apart, but where to start?
It’s such a mess now
Maybe try to find peace of mind
Could I do it somehow

When I can’t move, can’t breathe
Without you here beside me?
And I can’t cry, now there’s no going back
So I’ll just lie here in your aftermath.

I open my eyes but you’re still gone
You didn’t return in that time
I keep hoping that you’ll reappear now
So I can go on being fine

I could make a move, learn to soothe
My aching bones
Maybe try to touch, not too much
Nobody owns us

If you’d told me that was the last time we’d kiss
I’d have closed both my eyes and opened up my lips
If you’d told me that was the last time we’d touch
I’d unravel before you like I wanted so much.

You run but you’re not fast enough
To stop that speeding car
It’s begun, but you’re a past lover
And you never got that far
Rain falls onto your rooftop
And you listen to the sound
She cried; you didn’t see a drop
Only the letter that you found

But by the time you’ve read it
She’ll be gone
Just like she told you before
She’s not that strong
Did you know last night
Would be your last kiss?
You couldn’t have guessed
And now you’ll miss her so
But she had to go.

You’re cold on the inside
But you pretend you’re okay
At night you can’t sleep
You dream of her driving away
It haunts you every minute
That you could have made her stay
If you’d just read a little quicker
Why’d you have to wait?

‘Coz by the time you’d read it
She was gone
Just like she told you before
She’s not that strong
Did you know that night
Would be your last kiss?
You couldn’t have guessed
And now you miss her so
But she had to go.

You stare off into space
Wondering where she went
You won’t share your thoughts with anyone
She left you so bent
You’re broken, stuck on a wheel
You can’t seem to move
You wish you could tell her how you feel
Just tell her that you

You read her letter
But she was gone
Just like she told you before
She’s not that strong
You didn’t know that night
Would be your last kiss
You couldn’t have guessed
And yes, you miss her so
But you know she had to go.

You don’t make a move, it’s all here for you
If you want it but you’ve got to come and get it fast
I guess I assumed you’d be over the moon
But come September and you’re still under the stars

I say hello, you say goodbye
You hold my hand but you won’t look me in the eye
I kiss your lips, you pull from me
You walk away and say you’re having a bad day

You seem far away, and I can’t take another day
You’re so sincere but it’s just so clear
The price we pay; it seems we’ve frayed
You say you’re still here but to me you’ve disappeared.

You don’t make a sound, the silence is so loud
You take my breath away but I’m having breathing issues
I thought you would try to not make me cry
But it seems you’re simply providing the tissues

I ask what’s wrong, you say you’re fine
And it appears to me we’re both just wasting time
I reach for you and you’re not there
And yet you tell me that you’re not going anywhere

You seem far away, and I can’t take another day
You’re so sincere but it’s just so clear
The price we pay; it seems we’ve frayed
You say you’re still here but to me you’ve disappeared.

I try to wade, but you don’t try to save me
I’m drowning in your ignorance quietly
I’m trying to breathe, you won’t resuscitate me
We’re slipping away ever so slightly.

You seem far away, and I can’t take another day
You’re so sincere but it’s just so clear
The price we pay; it seems we’ve frayed
You say you’re still here but to me you’ve disappeared.

I try to hold my head up high
But I can’t
You pretend you’re a connoisseur
But you aren’t
And he seems to be everything
That I’m not
So why are we on this merry-go-round?
I want off.

Isn’t it crazy how I need you to validate me?
Like I need you to come and save me
From crashing waves, need you in my arms again.
It’s crappy how I need you to make me happy
Like I need you to come and grab me
Take me away, I can’t stand this another day.

I try to forget about you
And there you are
It’s like I just can’t erase
The scars
And he seems to make you smile
Like I never could
So I guess I should give up your ghost
For good.

But isn’t it crazy how I need you to validate me?
Like I need you to come and save me
From crashing waves, need you in my arms again.
It’s crappy how I need you to make me happy
Like I need you to come and grab me
Take me away, I can’t stand this another day.

One day I will be fine on my own
One day I won’t feel so damn alone
One day you’ll be just a memory
Until then I have to remember to breathe
When you walk past
While holding his hand.

And isn’t it crazy how I need you to validate me?
Like I need you to come and save me
From crashing waves, need you in my arms again.
It’s crappy how I need you to make me happy
Like I need you to come and grab me
Take me away, I can’t stand this another day.

We break but we never really break in two
The other person always seems to get the best parts of you
The rest is left to lie there on the floor
All alone, nobody wants to pick up the pieces anymore.

And you left me so empty; unsure of myself
I opened up myself to you, now I’m in need of help.

Don’t tell me nothing ever changes ‘coz everything is changing now
I sit here ripping out the pages ‘coz my happy ending’s gone somehow
Don’t say “can we just be friends” ‘coz I just can’t be friends
There’s no way to pretend that it’s okay for you to shatter all my dreams
Then walk away; it’s all gone grey.

I’ve tried but it all just fell apart
I’d cry but it won’t fix anything that’s torn apart
So I would like to sit here all alone
Just a moment to myself, so far from home.

And you made me so crazy, nobody can save me
I put all my hopes in you, you let me down baby.

Don’t tell me nothing ever changes ‘coz everything is changing now
I sit here ripping out the pages ‘coz my happy ending’s gone somehow
Don’t say “can we just be friends” ‘coz I just can’t be friends
There’s no way to pretend that it’s okay for you to shatter all my dreams
Then walk away; it’s all gone grey.

I laugh but I’m crying on the inside
I wish I could tell you that I don’t want to run and hide
The truth is I’m starting to heal
Now I have the courage to step up and deal with you.

Don’t tell me nothing ever changes ‘coz everything is changing now
I sit here ripping out the pages ‘coz my happy ending’s gone somehow
Don’t say “can we just be friends” ‘coz I just can’t be friends
There’s no way to pretend that it’s okay for you to shatter all my dreams
Then walk away; it’s all gone grey.

I tried my best
Dressed to impress
Just to be let
Down once again.

I take off my clothes
But nobody knows
Where my mind goes
When I'm alone.

Thoughts of the end
I'd like to pretend
That I'm okay
We both know that I'm not.

Struggling to breathe
When all I need
Is somebody beside me
To stop my bleed.

I'm bleeding out from the inside
But it's okay
Nobody wants to join me for the ride
I'll break and I'll fray
But not today
Not today.

Reached out for your hand
Tried to take a stand
You didn't notice
And so I land.

My feet fall beneath me
My life is so empty
Is God trying to test me?
I'll fail again.

Fall to the floor
Can't take any more
Just one more hit
And I'm gone for good.

Open my eyes
All I recognize
All I see is lies
All I ever could.

I'm bleeding out from the inside
But it's okay
Nobody wants to join me for the ride
I'll break and I'll fray
But not today
Not today.

Take off my clothes
Just look at my scars
Tear off my band-aids
And look at my heart.

You don’t even look at me
You simply say that you’re sorry
You turn your head and then you walk away for good
After all we’ve been through
After all I did for you
It’s the end and you can’t pretend any longer.

It’s time to let you go
But I can’t, not so easily
It’s time, this I know, oh.

You didn’t even pause for a round of applause
You didn’t even wait to see if you’d broken me inside
You didn’t even blink, just when I start to think
That I’m safe, you turn around and take it all away.

I won’t break down for you this time
You’re never taking me alive
There’s no way that you will see me cry.

You don’t even hold my hand
You expect me to understand
That you’ve tried all that you can try
You say that it’s too late
You tell me that it’s fate
And you don’t want to wait to see me break.

Can we hit rewind and go back to the time
When we were so great?
Can’t we just fast forward through all of this storm
Or is it too late tonight?

Things go from so good to so bad, so quickly.
Yesterday I was in a fine mood, but today it all has come crumbling down. I'm supposed to be good at exams, at writing essays and question responses. Two exams down, four to go - today's was the most important and I completely flunked it. I can't fucking study, and I have no idea why. I have no interest in it, I consistently distract myself, and what I do look over, I don't even recall in the exam - it's fucking terrible. Pretty sure I failed today's exam, it was the one I wanted to be the best at and I barely knew a thing on it for sure, most of it was guesswork. I don't even know what's going to happen if I fail it. It's my major, if I don't pass, I can't move forward to the second component of it - I guess I'd have to re-do it. Which would make me want to kill myself.
But it also makes me wonder if I'm meant to be doing Psych anyway. I chose it but if I'm not good at the exam, if I can't study, if I don't care - what is wrong with me and where am I supposed to be in life? I'm not the guy who drops out of things. I stick with them and carry through, but it's a long five or six years down the track for me to stick with something I don't want to do. And I can't even get there if I can't pass the exam.
All this stress is giving me grief; I have two hugely sore strategically places pimples on my face and they're killing me; not to mention I've cut my tongue on something and that feels like hell. With all of this distracting me, no wonder I can't study. I can't BREATHE. I need to run, far away, overseas. I need this exams to be over NOW.
I have another one tomorrow morning - another one I'm going to fail, Economics, because I'm not a maths person and somehow I've ended up doing maths and statistics and graphs again, and now I've got myself into a headlock and I can't fucking get out. I don't give a shit about management, sociology, business, economics, the lot of it. How did I end up here? How do I get out?
They say the only way out is through.

Last night I went to a concert. It was standing, we were close, we'd gotten to where we were without pushing into anybody else. And throughout the entire concert, we had people blatantly pushing into us and in front of us repeatedly, without even apologizing or saying 'excuse me'. Which would be okay if it was a mosh pit, but it wasn't. And as usual, with any normal person, one person was my last straw and I kind of pushed them out of the way. Not hard, not anything hugely violent, just a 'had enough, get out of the fucking way' push. Conveniently the chick I pushed turned out to be some freaky oldish looking drunk/high/possibly-both blonde hooker who decided to repeatedly push me back into other people and cause a scene. I looked at her all 'wtf, leave me alone' and was then promptly told I'd be 'dead in five minutes'. So basically it ruined the rest of the concert with me worrying, waiting she'd come back and do something, when she didn't. But it does prompt the question - did I completely do the wrong thing? I mean don't get me wrong, I know that violence isn't the right way about it, etc etc etc. But what can you do when people's rudeness becomes too much? We all paid the same amount to go to see the concert, I'd been there first, so generally that means first in, best dressed, right? And in these circumstances if you're pushing past people, and all up in their grillz/personal space, you'd say "excuse me" at the very least, no? So if this is true, then why do I feel guilty for what I did? Clearly if people had been polite in the first place, I wouldn't have become agitated. I don't usually resort to violence; I'm not a violent person, in fact, I would also like to consider myself a fairly patient person. I just wish I didn't feel so damn guilty about the whole thing. It was only a push. A push for a push too far, right?
Hello, guilt trip.
But seriously, where did everybody's manners go? It's not that hard to say excuse me as you brush your strange foreign body against them randomly. I KNOW I'm right.

Isn't it obvious, my dear?
We're sinking so loud and clear
Everything can disappear in a moment
Doesn't it hurt a little bit to hold on?
You're going down with the ship
Treading into deep, empty seas
Sailing alone, away from me.

& I forgot to check if the seas were even rocky
This isn't quite how I planned it.

Put the anchor down and no-one gets hurt
I'm sick of lying down and taking the worst
This is a rocky sea and the tide is going out right now
No men overboard, you're gonna hear me out
The time to jump ship's passed; no, it's not now
We're treading water but I won't let us drown
& this is how it's gonna go down.

Is it now time to raise the flag?
We take two steps forward and four back
But I know that I won't crack this time
Now we're approaching dry land
But will you or won't you take my hand?
This is my final last stand
Here and now.

And I forgot to see if the seas were even murky
And I know that your plan was never to hurt me.

Throw me a lifesaver, I think I'm going under
The water's churning and I hear the thunder
There's a storm rising and we're in the middle of it
Throw me a life jacket to keep me from sinking
We're fighting the odds and we're just not winning
And all this time I've really been thinking
It's over, it's over...

So this is the end and you can't pretend
That you miss my hand on your hand
I guess you've moved on, I've got to be strong
And act like I completely understand

But in the dark of night when you're by his side
I wish that you were with me
And when the morning breaks, that's just how long it takes
For me to realize there's no-one to see

You're sleeping with him; I'm sleeping alone
You're out with him drinking and I'm waiting by the phone
You're thinking of him, but what can I do?
He gets everything he wants in you
And all I get is your silhouette.

I've made up my mind, there's no moving on
I'm only half of what I was now that you're gone
I'm not gonna lie, it burns in my soul
Seeing you with him being so whole

But in the light of way when people look away
Do you remember me?
The pictures in my head have burned a hole instead
That nobody else can see

You're sleeping with him; I'm sleeping alone
You're out with him drinking and I'm waiting by the phone
You're thinking of him, but what can I do?
He gets everything he wants in you
And all I get is your silhouette.

All I get is your shadow
Everything I used to know
All I have is your memory
Fading ever so slowly...

You're sleeping with him, I'm sleeping alone
You're out with him drinking and I'm waiting by the phone
You're thinking of him, but what can I do?
He gets everything he wants in you
And all I get is your silhouette
Is your silhouette
Your silhouette.

orientation day at uni tomorrow and i'm fucking nervous as.
probably not as nervous as i will be on the first day
but still.
freaking out right here.
i'm driving there in traffic.
so what if i'm late???
aaaaah. what if i get lost and can't find where i'm supposed to be?
-end freak out-
i'm hoping like hell it all works out fine.
and, if it doesn't, i'll still look hottt.

Today was the first chapter
Of the next novel
In my life's series.
Was I the hero
The heroine
Or the sidekick?
Were you cheering
Booing
Or were you silent
As I dried my tears
Walked the floors
Forevermore?

I can't believe it's nearly been a year since I wrote something here.
It's mindblowing.
And irrelevant, considering nobody reads this anyway, haha.

So the topic on my mind lately is Britney Spears' conservatorship, which was made permanent as of the other day. I fail to understand how a person, in a supposedly 'civilized' country, can be declared insane and within the timespan of two years have everything they rightfully earned and own taken away from them and given to someone else to "manage".
So Britney's father is her conservator. Which means he gets what I think is $6000 a week or something to that figure to manage her finances, tell her who can visit, where she can go and when, and basically treat her as if she were a child again with no rights. She might as well be 8.
And she's 27.
Insane? Maybe. She's been acting normal lately. But seriously, has what she's done in the past earnt her this hardship? There is no end to this conservatorship in the foreseeable future, which is a pretty harsh and major life altering change for someone who's done a clutter of 'crazy' things which, if done by someone not famous, wouldn't even be known about to anyone.
Either way, I don't see how shaving your head, accidentally almost dropping your baby, and locking yourself and your kid in a room away from hired security guards earn a lifelong conservatorship.

I think the American courts have gone too far with this. How much are they supposed to be in control? They control her visiting rights with her kids, as she has limited custody now. They control her finances and assets now, also. What next? Guess she'll have to get approval from courts and her daddy next time she wants her nails painted or her hair dyed.

She's right, it really is just like a circus.
And not in a funny way.

i love driving =) especially at night, when there's not many cars on the road...it can feel so free. yay license soon...hopefully. fingers crossed. part of me feels kind of unwanting to tell people when my license test is booked for in case i don't get it..i hope i get it...i can't live without my freedom, and i want it SOON! haha.

i haven't written here in a while and i guess i really should be doing it more often.
there's not really much to write about though...problem free since '93! haha just kidding. but lately, very much so... =D

smiling because you can't not
seeing you together until you rot
thinking there's nobody else
what a damage to your health.

fooling yourself that it's real
ignoring how your friends feel
thinking it will be forever
even though you're not together.

thinking that you'll be one day
as you watch him drive away
ignoring what your friends say
as they watch it all play.

inside you guess that you knew
that none of it was really true
but denial is of ease
to just pretend he's not a sleaze.

back and forth you go again
you think the cycle never ends
until one day, you hear him say
"i don't like you in that way."

all the things he said to you
have come undone, were never true
now you move on, hurt but strong
you know that it was always wrong.

now it's been done, you've been used
you've had your heart and soul abused
but it's alright, it's okay
because you're better off this way.

I don't usually get annoyed at work, but today there was one thing slightly bothering me. One of the guys I worked with kept telling me what to do...even though most of the time I knew what I was doing; telling me off for things I'd forgotten to do and stuff like that. And it wouldn't bother me if it was coming from someone with authority there, but the guy had none...we're supposed to be equal. So he really had no right to be telling me what to do and telling me off...I hate it when people treat me like I'm brand new and have no clue what to do. I've been working at McDonalds for at least three weeks now; I think I get the drift, alrighty?

But then I was thinking about it while I was waiting to get picked up, and decided that maybe it wasn't personal towards me. I'm pretty sure he does it to everybody...there are just some people that treat others like that. They think they know better than everybody else, and it's annoying as hell. We already have parents; we don't need some random standing over us telling us what to do. So what is it about equality that some people don't get? You don't treat people differently according to what they look like, sound like, walk like, talk like or blink like. Or at least, you're not supposed to. And yet, somehow, people think they have authority that doesn't actually exist. Reality check, anyone?

okay, i don't get it. why do we always depend on other people in order to feel happy? we're never quite happy with ourselves. we don't feel like we're looking good until somebody actually says we're looking good. everything other people think of us and say about us thoroughly affects how we feel about ourselves, which is just stupid, to be quite honest. it's annoying, is what it is...why do we care so much about what other people think? it's only a person's opinion, after all. and one person's opinion (in australia) = 1/21,000,000 ... if you wanna get technical about it. so our happiness is based on those kind of figures...that's pretty pathetic. and yet we still do it. i know i do. i'm not happy about it, but it's the truth - annoying as it may be.